"This Much Is Certain"
by
Livia Balaban (liviabalaban@xoommail.com)
Sarah Ellen Parsons (se_parsons@yahoo.com)
E. Ripley (dana1muldr@aol.com)

Classification: H
Rating: R (for graphic language and sexual references)
Content: Humor, Sarcasm, Cliche Destruction
Archiving: Okay, sure, just tell us please
Disclaimer: You owns it, we just mocks it.
Summary: Three Amigas comment snarkily on accepted truth in 
the XUniverse.
Notes:  We're guilty of these, too, so don't take offense.  
What's the plural of "Mea Culpa"?


"This Much Is Certain"
by
Livia Balaban, Sarah Ellen Parsons, & E. Ripley


BASED ON A GENERAL CONSENSUS PRESENT IN RECENT FANFICTION, 
THE FOLLOWING MUST BE INCONTROVERTIBLE TRUTH:

Mulder and Scully are PRE-ORDAINED to become involved 
sexually.  Their first sexual experience will be mind-
numbingly flawless, a pinnacle of emotional and physical 
ecstasy.  Followed by tears of joy.

Scully is a closet slut.  Just look in her lingerie 
drawer.  Gracious.

Mulder can't cook.  Neither can Scully.

Any wish for one to surprise the other on a special 
occasion will inevitably include sexual relations.

Skinner possesses both a libido and poor judgement, which 
explains his intimate involvement with either or both of 
two agents who report directly to him.

Krycek is a twisted little leather-clad sex puppy who'll do 
anyone, any time.

Diana Fowley is a two-dimensional, manipulative bitch.  Who 
blows Spender. *Senior*.

Scully wants a baby more than anything else in the universe.

Except Mulder.  She wants him more, apparently.  Must be 
that pouty/lush/plump/tempting lower lip of his.

Despite Mulder's decades of heavy emotional baggage and 
feelings of unworthiness, he is able to attain a titanium-
like erection in 1.4 seconds, regardless of the 
circumstances, and manages to maintain an Olympian standard 
of endurance.

Mulder's tongue never goes numb from all the sunflower 
seeds.  Try having a lot of them in a short time, and 
you'll see what we mean.

The wedding ring has pre-planned, earth-shattering 
significance.

When either Scully or Mulder engages in an erotic solo act 
at home, they always leave the curtains or blinds open.

Bill Scully is a hotheaded, two-dimensional asshole who 
cares nothing at all for his sister's happiness or 
professional satisfaction, waiting only for the chance to 
beat Mulder to a bloody pulp.

Scully's alabaster skin is cool, just like her glacial 
blue/azure/cerulean/cobalt/navy/sapphire/indigo eyes.

Mulder is a sex GOD, possessing intimate knowledge of 
sexual techniques normal men never discover, as well as a 
penis of mind-numbing size and tensile strength.

Scully has never allowed a man to pleasure her orally, 
because it's so goshdarned...intimate.

Neither Mulder nor Scully ever get a pubic hair caught in 
their teeth.

Scully is an angel walking the earth, and not an 
occasionally hot-headed, stubborn, contrary little bitch.

Mulder is a sweet, sad, tormented loner, and not a flaky 
goofball with more intelligence than common sense or social 
skills.

Diana Fowley is evil incarnate, a barracuda with nail 
polish, and does not possess any redeeming qualities or 
human emotions whatever.

C.G.B. Spender is evil incarnate, a barracuda in a trench 
coat, and does not possess any redeeming qualities or human 
emotions whatever.  Or hobbies.

The term "nubbin" is a viable erotic term for describing a 
body part engaged in a sexual activity.

Scully apparently thinks nothing of treating Mulder's 
wounds personally, in a motel room or at home, even 
injuries that would normally necessitate a hospital stay.

Jeff Spender was an incompetent whiner.  Who somehow made 
it through Quantico.

Everyone is bisexual. Except for Frohike. 

The Gunmen have no lives apart from tech-toys and computer 
communication, much like fanfic writers. 

In a moment of passion, Scully suddenly becomes Dana and 
Mulder becomes Fox despite the fact that they NEVER ever 
call one another that on the show. 

Every emotion Skinner has relates back to his experiences 
in Vietnam.

Every emotion Mulder has relates back to his sister's 
abduction. 

Every emotion Scully has relates back to a song by Celine 
Dion. 

All members of the Consortium take great personal pleasure 
in torturing and manipulating others and are never 
conflicted about their role as "bad guys" unlike the "good 
guys" who are continually conflicted about everything. 

Psychopaths are drawn to Mulder and Scully like flies to 
roadkill. 

If Scully gets so much as a hangnail, "Fox" will castigate himself 
endlessly with much self-loathing and readers will get a rehash of the 
whole "cancer arc"; while on the show, when she was SHOT by her asshole

Tithonus partner, he barely batted an eyelash.

Blood loss or illness does not effect Mulder's ability to get an
erection.

Krycek is more amorphous in fanfic than he is on the show.  He's 
everything from a god-like philosopher-poet trapped in a sad and bleak 
existence to a wild-eyed, mercenary hulk who just loves to kill.  What
is 
certain is that he's uncertain and may appear randomly at any time,
doing 
anything, for anyone - a convenient deus ex machina.

Skinner is stolid, loyal, determined, gruff, much like a good  cocker 
spaniel.

Kersh is a blind monomaniacal, rule-following Bureau toady, oblivious
to 
everything but the rule book and his own control issues.

Everyone in the FBI above the rank of A.D. is corrupt or utterly 
antagonistic toward their own agents.

Mulder and Scully never have a single case that turns out 
to be merely mundane - like retirees making crop circles 
for fun.

No one is concerned that so many of their cases remain 
unsolved or hinge on totally unprovable things.  As long as 
there's a body or someone in custody, it's good enough for 
the Bureau, no matter how tenuous the connection with the 
crime may be.

If Mulder and Scully are to have children, it will not be 
by adoption or the logical in vitro fertilization method. 
Rather, it will be a miraculous wonder love child, a gift 
from the gods, and will invariably have to choose from the 
following limited name pool: Samantha, Samuel, Katherine, 
Melissa, William, or Dana.  Little Fox is not a viable 
alternative, in that it refers SOLELY to Mulder's external 
genitalia.

Post baby, "Dana"  will quit the FBI and become a regular 
doctor while "Fox" stays and gets her expertise and 
feedback on cases at the breakfast table or in a night of 
suburban spooning bliss after the wee ones are tucked away.

Despite the fact that his last scene is tender and 
remorseful and he has never actually been shown to do 
anything more horrific to his family other than force his 
wife into choosing, William Mulder was a certifiable 
borderline homicidal child beating bone breaking daddy-
brute.   He hated/blamed Fox and often beat him daily in 
between being a government toady, smoking cigarettes, and 
downing gallons of whiskey.

If years in denial of their attraction won't be broken by 
the self effacing acts of love, one must be harmed, 
preferably in an auto accident, in order for them to 
finally make their feelings known.

If that doesn't work, the song, "My Heart Will Go On" by 
Celine Dion, can suddenly play on the car radio or at the 
heretofor unknown FBI Awards Banquet/Ball/Prom, and Fox and 
Dana will cave in to the undeniable attraction in 0-60.
(Also when referring to the song, "My Heart Will Go On" by 
Celine Dion, you must have Fox and Dana refer to it in that 
exact same way, calling it, '"My Heart Will Go On" by 
Celine Dion'.  
They must both agree that the song speaks to them in ways 
they could never before explain.)

And on the blessed day, "Walter" will give Scully away to a 
beaming teary eyed "Fox", who will have not one but all 
three gunmen as his best men.

=====
End.

Authoress' Notes:  If you have any additional Truths to 
share with us, please send them on, and we'll be sure to 
add them to the list and credit you fully.

This list has been brought to you by SMUT GODDESSES FOR THE 
PRESERVATION OF FANFIC CLICHES.

                                           
"Come to think of it, there are already a
 million monkeys on a million typewriters,
 and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare."

Come visit Livia's Ink Spot, for a frosty
beverage and some steamy fanfic:
http://members.xoom.com/liviabalaban
(BYOB)

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